A few restaurant rules in Paris

A lot of people will say it is silly to talk about restaurant rules in Paris, because of course you do not have to follow rules. And many of these don't apply to a group of students going out to cafes. But a lot of Americans, even "foodies" who go to good American restaurants all the time, are anxious the first time they go to a nice restaurant in Paris. So I thought I would write a post about that. Feel free to disregard any of these "unwritten rules", but it's not bad to know what is expected.

And don't worry people are being snobbish to you! Every Paris restaurant is used to tourists. Just be as polite as you would be at home, smile, and enjoy yourself.

You can wear whatever you like. But you will definitely be treated more respectfully if you dress as if you care how you look.

In the U.S., a man will often hold the door for the women to enter first. But in Paris, it's polite for the man to go in first-- he will encounter the maître d' and give the reservation name or ask if there is room. The first person into the restaurant will be assumed to be the host-- you will see that this applies to women who dine together, too.

If there is a banquette or a wall, the women in the group are seated along it. The men always sit on the outside. I've become so French that it seems very odd to me now when I see an American group sitting with the women on the outside.

Women to the banquettes! This is Bofinger with its famous verrière or stained-glass skylight

The menus are given and orders taken starting with the women-- usually with the oldest woman present, how polite! The waiter gives you the menu and a bit of time, then comes back to take a drinks order. Usually, only after the drinks are on the table will the order be taken. 

Bread may be on the table, but French people don't tend to touch it until the main course arrives. And they don't eat it with butter unless they are having a big seafood platter. Don't know why, but lo! it is thus.

If you order foie gras, never spread it on the toasts to eat it-- instead, cut it with fork and knife and put it in your mouth, and break and eat the toasts separately. If in doubt, watch the French people with you.

If you order red meat, the only acceptable way to order it is saignant (rare, literally "bleeding") or à point (medium rare). Anything else is seen as ignorant and a waste of good meat, unless maybe you're pregnant. 

When the wine arrives, the waiter uncorks it at the table, pours a small amount in a glass, and offers it to the host. The host then swirls it around, smells it, and tastes it. Only after the host pronounces the wine acceptable is it poured into the other glasses.

You don't have to order bottled water in France. Most restaurants are happy to give you a carafe d'eau.

French manners: hands on the table at all times!

Not only is it rude in France, as in the U.S., to eat with your elbows on the table, but you are also supposed to have your hands on the table at all times. This can take a little getting used to if you are like me and used to have your left hand rapped if it lay on the table. The French eat with their forks in their left hand and their knives in their right, and as you are not allowed to cut your salad, they become experts at making neat little folded packets of salad to convey to their mouths with their left hands. It gets a little trickier with things like peas! However, don't worry about this and just eat politely in your own way.

If you order a fish dish, it will often arrive in its skin with the head still on. If you don't like the idea of dismantling this, you can always ask the waiter to "prepare" it. He will then whisk it away and return it to you looking much more elegant than it probably would if you did it yourself.

If you are a vegetarian, you won't have an easy time in France. The French still regard vegetarianism as a weird cult. But it is becoming more common, especially among visitors to France, and chefs will often make a real effort to please you in a good restaurant if you tell the waiter you "can't eat meat" (this is better than saying "I am a vegetarian"), and ask if something else can be prepared for you. Otherwise, you can often make a meal of entrées (which in French does not mean the main course but the appetizers).

If there are men and women at the table, the man is expected to keep an eye on the glasses of the women near him and fill them whenever needed. The woman will not usually ask him or pour the wine or water herself, so this is an important one if you're a man dining with French women!

Even if you are at a business dinner, it is considered plouc (tacky) to talk business until dessert, especially if there are others at the table who are not business associates. This isn't an absolute rule of course. But it is a general rule. 

If cheese is ordered, it will pass only once. Always keep the cheese in the same shape it came in, and never "cut off the nose" of a cheese (cutting the tip). That's considered greedy, because it's the best part!

After dessert comes coffee (always black espresso unless you specifically ask for a crème-- which is normally reserved for breakfast in France) and if you are lucky, some final little treat to put you in a good mood on the way out. The waiter will never plop down the bill in front of you before you are ready. Even if you are the last one in the restaurant, you will still have to ask for the bill to get it. Isn't that civilized?

Comments

[Canedolia]

I didn't know that about the foie gras so I'm cringing a little bit now... but it's pretty difficult to spread foie gras on toast anyway, so not a hard one to remember.

The banquette rule is interesting too. My boyfriend and I tend to do this anyway because I like banquettes, but it's nice to know that it's correct too - presumably so that he can jump up quickly to attend to my every need if necessary!

[Sedulia]

I'm still learning. Also I still use a fork and knife in the American way. Don't want to change.

[phillippa]

Ah. 6 years in France, I've committed the foie gras faux pas, as well as the always take meat a point. I was in San Francisco before, a haven for vegetarians. I ate meat only on the very rare occasion and, in France, have 'adjusted' to having it now and then. However, I can't tolerate watching it bleed and jiggle on my plate. Darned if I do and darned if I don't! :)

[Alfred]

As a parisian, I have to say
-the middle of 2 forearms on the table is an important rule
-not to speak and make hand gestures with your fork and knife in your hands (this is elementary but this is probably the most important rule)
-Theorically, one should not cut the salad with the knife. this this rule is outdate, it dates from the era when knife were not inoxidable, thus with the vinegar, it oxydates.
So when I go to the restaurant, een good restaurant, I can cut my salad with the knife, no problem
-The thing with the cheese is absolutely true also.
-Not speaking of money is a general rule, whether it be at a restaurant or elsewhere when you are in the vicinity of strangers. It is an important rule that is less and less observed but still important for many people, including the young

the 2 only rule that are quite not true are
-not to add butter on your bread and only eat bread when the real meal starts. Nobody cares if you add butter on your piece of bread, they serve butter for this, so no problem and you can eat it whenever you want and even ask 3 times to refill the bread and butter plate, they will even be happy to do it.
-not to change fork and knife of hands, no problem at all
-to serve wine to the lady : it's true that this is the traditionnal rule, but the risk is the girl to think that you want to get her drunk and...
So it's better to ask if she wants some more and, like you said, it's the man that serves the women, not herself on her own

Lastly, I would add this : we don't say "Viens, on va manger" "On a mangé ensemble la semaine dernière"
Manger sert uniquement à décrire ce que l'on mange, meaning "I ate carbonara pastas" "I ate..." but we will say "Viens, allons déjeuner" "J'ai diné avec lui hier"
Same as we wouldn't say "J'ai diné un rumsteack à la sauce au poivre"
Many people forget this rule, but if you hang out with people that have manners (most of the time family bourgeois or aristocrats) just think that they wouldn't say that.
However, as you are a foreigner, it doesn't matter AT ALL.

[Sedulia]

That's right, I meant to add that in France, you don't use the word "eat" to describe having meals-- you must say "dîner" or "déjeuner" instead. Merci Alfred!

[Accius]

I would also add that in France, at nice restaurants, they will only give menus with prices to the men. Women will receive menus without prices.

[A.]

My Parisian husband, who now lives with me in Texas, is ALWAYS (seriously) commenting about how men in the US think it's polite to hold the door open for a woman but how that's not the gentlemanly way (note--he doesn't consider it a French thing but rather good manners in general). He says it's because the first person to enter is the one who gets stared at by the restaurant patrons, therefore it's polite to shield the woman from their stares. Okay, that makes him sound like some kind of old school guy; he's not, haha.

And I was a vegetarian in Paris. It wasn't a big deal for me, but I like simple fare. I didn't eat out as much for dinner, but for lunch I often went to a bakery: cheese baguette sandwich, religieuse cafe, can of Orangina. Also, I ate at a lot of non-French restaurants (falafel, couscous, pizza).

I actually wanted to comment on your post about the new pastry (pistachio religieuse), but the comment link is broken. I used to find them in a bakery (near the Rue de Vaugirard metro stop, green line) back in 2005 when I was living in Issy and working in the 15th. I loved them (but they were way small at that bakery). Where did you find them? I'm returning for a brief stay next month (first time back in 6 years) and would love to go there. La religieuse is my favorite, and I've never found them in the US; my husband had to freeze one (cafe, my favorite flavor) and bring it back to me when he was there last year. Thanks!

[Dovid]

I've noticed people tearing off a bite-sized piece of bread rather than biting into a larger slice. As for eating bread before any other food is brought, I was told once that this looks childish or beauf.

I've seen men hand a salt shaker to the woman seated next to them without her asking for it. I assume this is an extension of the pouring of wine or water.

How far should the dinner companion's wine glass be filled? I have noticed some men pour to the halfway mark each time, so I assume there is a custom.